When House Discovers Fanfiction
by katie mase
Summary: One day House discovers the world of fanfiction. What's even more surprising is, it's all about him! Not meant to be taken seriously by any means. Rated T for safety. Total Parody. Complete!
1. The Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own House or anything realted.**

_AN: This is just some silly thing I came up with while on my Clinic Cases break (yes, its taking a break). This isn't meant to be taken seriously or offend anyone. Enjoy!_

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**When House Discovers Fanfiction**

**The Prologue**

It had been another long day at Princeton Plainsboro, and Doctor House was completely and utterly bored. He had sent his team out on some wild goose chase for test results while he waited at his computer desk. After briefly surfing the net, he decided to type his name into the search engine and read all of the ingenious things other doctors had to say about him. It wasn't long before he saw something a little odd.

"_Fanfiction?"_ he thought, _"What the hell is that? Well it involves me, so it has to be good."_

He clicked the link and saw a series of stories about him and his team. And that's when it got even weirder.

"I never solved a case like that!" he said aloud, "What the hell is a Hilson? Crack! Fic? What is this crap?" He ran the scroll bar up and down reading and rereading the titles and summaries of every story on the page.

"House I have, what are you looking at?" Doctor Chase asked walking next to the table.

"It's called Fanfiction. I think this is when obsessive fans, who have no lives, decide to spend their time writing about our lives so they can avoid their own."

"Oh." Chase replied. "I bet they have nice things to say about you."

"Actually many of them think I'm a tortured soul, scarred by my terrible infarction." House read off, ignoring Chase's sarcasm. "How do they know about that?"

"Well since it's obvious you don't really care about the case, what to read and find out what they think of us?" Chase suggested.

"Well this ought to be good."

**Next Time: The Shipper Fics**

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_Later An: By the way, I'm totally guilty about the obsessive fan bit:)_


	2. The Shipper Fics

**Disclaimer: Once again, I don't House MD or anything related. **

_AN: I just want to say thank you to all who reviewed! I hope this chapter does not disappoint. _

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The Shipper Fics**

If there was one thing Chase and House noticed right off, it was all of the romance stories and combined names. Everywhere they looked, a unique combination of team member's names would somehow find their way into the summaries.

"Wuddy, Chameron, Huddy? What do they think this is, Grey's Anatomy?" House remarked.

"I got Cameron pregnant?" Chase asked in disbelief.

"Well with all the sex you guys have been having, it was bound to happen." House said. "And you may have gotten her knocked up, but I'm the one who marries her."

Suddenly, Doctor Cameron walked into the office to see Chase and House's eyes glued to the computer screen.

"What are you guys looking at?" She asked walking in front of the desk.

"Honey, your home." House replied.

"Look at this, 'Will House finally admit his love for Cameron, or will he get his one night stand with Cuddy?'" Chase read off, "'Fluff ensues.' What's fluff? Isn't that the stuff you put on sandwhiches?"

"Oh you naive little soul." House remarked

"What are you guys reading?" Cameron asked before asserting herself in between House and Chase, "Chameron, Hameron. Is this suppose to be like Brangelina or something?"

"There's Wuddy, Huddy, Chameron, Hilson, Hameron, Hase-"

"And no love for the homie." House said as Foreman walked in.

"Do I even want to know?" Foreman asked standing in the doorway.

"Wow Foreman, you're not a very popular person. No one writes about you." Chase said scrolling through the lists.

"Good." Foreman stated, "I just want to be left alone and do my job." And with that Foreman left the room, (And probably the rest of the story…).

"Hameron, Hameron, Hameron, Huddy, Huddy, Huddy, Hameron, Hameron, hey Chameron!" Chase exclaimed, "I think that's us!"

"So?" Cameron asked House.

"So what?" House replied

"Do you admit your love for me," She said with emphasis, "Or do you get your one night stand with Cuddy?" She said this time with little infliction.

"Don't you want to read the one about us?" Chase asked dejected. "It sounds really good."

"I suppose we need to read and find out." House said.

"Wait! It's a WIP? What is that?" Chase asked.

"I think it means work in progress." Cameron supplied.

"So we may not find out the answer for days, months, or never!" Chase said. "Should we read it anyway?"

"Yeah, why would they start it if they weren't going to finish it?" Cameron said

**Next Time: The Slash Fics**


	3. The Slash Fics

_AN: This was a fun chapter to write, so I hope you enjoy it. Just as a heads up, this story is about six chapters long, and I have the ending all planned out. And I'm loving all the reviews you guys are leaving, they make me smile. Oh and slight spoiler if you're not up to date on the episodes._

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The Slash Fics**

After two weeks of fruitless waiting for that story to be updated, House once again decided to log on to the fanfiction site, and this time only read what he knows now as, one shots. He began to really pay attention to what people were writing about, and he soon realized that slash was a popular topic.

"Like I'd ever let Wilson put his hands there." House remarked as he continued to read.

"Where did I put my hands?" Wilson asked walking in with Chinese food. "You're not reading that fanfiction again are you?"

"Did Cameron tell you that?" House said, trying to snatch the lone egg roll.

"Of course, she always tells me when there's something wrong with you."

"There's nothing wrong with me, there's something wrong with these writers. They think I'd actually do you." House said mocking the whole idea.

Wilson appeared to be a bit put off, "Why not?"

House looked up immediately, "What?" He had to admit, he didn't quite expect that, nor did he know where it would end up. But it was beginning to sound like the beginning of a story he once read…

"Well why not? With my terrible love life and your constant neediness, we'd be perfect." Wilson said nonchalantly.

House considered, "You're joking right?"

Wilson laughed, "Of course! Besides I have Amber now."

"Huh, it looks like me and Chase are a popular pick too. Yeah right! I'd do you before him!"

"Well that's flattering, I think." Wilson said

"Ha!" House cried, "In this one it says, 'House's leg is acting up again, and Wilson is the only one to make it better. His care is better then any vicodin.' Ha! Yeah, okay."

"Now it's getting awkward." Wilson said, "I'll just talk to you later."

"No wait! 'House and Wilson are once again living together. They don't know how it happened, but one of them got a bit too promiscuous and –'"

"Stop! I don't want to know!" Wilson cried leaving the office.

**Next Time: Childhood Fics**


	4. The Childhood Fics

_AN: Despite what I said about it being six chapters, it will probably be a bit more then that. I got pretty inspired last night and wrote two more additional chapters, not including my planned ending. So yay for that. And thank you so much for all the reviews! You guys rock, plain and simple. _**

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**The Childhood Fics**

After Wilson had left, House continued to read more and more fiction. Once he got bored with all of the slash fics, he decided to try something different. What caught his attention were the many stories that involved the teams childhoods.

"Cameron has a stepsister? No she has a half brother. Wait she has a little sister who is sick with a deadly disease and in an odd way it brings us closer together? Cameron!"

Instantly Cameron walked through the door with a pot of coffee in her hands. She quickly realized this was about the fanfiction.

"Cameron, you don't happen to have a younger sister, who has a deadly disease, that will inevitably bring us closer together?" House asked

"What?" Cameron said.

"By your reaction I will say no."

"Are you reading more fanfiction again?" She asked walking over.

"Were you a tortured child Cameron? A lot of people seem to think so."

"And did that one night stand you have with Cuddy really mean something more?" Cameron read off.

"She wishes." House said scrolling through. "You know, why doesn't anyone write about Foreman? I bet they could make his childhood exciting."

"I think all this fanfiction is getting to your head." She said as she walked out of his office.

"No one writes about Foreman! Can't you see I'm just concerned? Maybe I will write a story about Foreman." House said

"Please don't." Foreman said suddenly, and once again disappeared to go do God knows what. (Because, no one else seems to know where Foreman goes when fanfiction is being written)

"Lets see, Chase, Chase, Chase, ah me! 'House meets his long lost sister who is just as snarky and ingenious as him,' yeah right, 'together, can they figure out the deadly ailment before time runs out?' Dear Lord who writes this stuff?" House said.

"What are you looking at this time?" Chase asked, though he knew exactly what it was.

"Chase, were you a spoiled child, or a dejected one?" House asked

"People think I was spoiled and/or dejected? Why doesn't anyone write about me having a normal childhood? I like to think it was fairly normal." Chase complained.

"Normal's boring." House said. "Are you still mad because people don't write about you getting with Cameron as much as they write about me getting with Cameron?"

"No." Chase stated.

"Well if it makes you feel better, many people find that you have very lovely hair."

**Next Time: The Crossovers**


	5. The Crossover Fics

**The Crossover Fics**

About three cases, six saved lives, and ten idiotic clinic patients later, House finally found the time to get back to his new hobby. After scrolling through many stories and going through many pages, he finally stumbled upon something a bit more interesting then what he had been previously reading: crossovers.

"'When McDreamy ran away to New Jersey, Meredith followed him and found herself in Princeton Plainsboro face to face with House. But when McDreamy gets ill, House is the only one who can save him, but will Meredith fall for House in the process?' What the hell? Is this writer psychotic?" House exclaimed at the unusual story line. "Meredith changes her mind faster then she changes out of her clothes! It would never work."

"House," Cuddy said, "What are you doing? You're way behind on clinic duty and – what are you reading?"

"Fanfiction, its total crap." House said.

"Then why are you reading it." Cuddy asked

"Because it's so damn addicting!" House said. "Oh in this one I meet Jack Bauer! How cool is that. WIP, crap."

"WIP?" Cuddy asked

"Trust me; you don't want to read it now. You will only be filled with heartache and disappointment." He said with mock sadness.

"House James Bond crossover? What does that mean exactly?" Cuddy asked reading the summary.

"Let's see, I'd be playing Bond, and you'd be my bond girl in this one. Well you certainly have the ass of a Bond girl." House remarked, "Oh but watch out, it looks like Cameron's encroaching in on your territory."

"What! I'd like to – wait, no, this is exactly what Wilson told me to avoid." Cuddy said.

"Since when do you listen to Wilson? Wait! Here's another one, only this time we're teaming up with Doctor Brennan and Booth."

"Wait, as in Seely Booth? Move over House." Cuddy said moving him out of the way. "What? I don't act like a control freak!" She read off, "And my shirts aren't _that_ low."

"Actually, if you wanted the opinion from a non-subjective third party, I would think--"

"Did I ask you?" Cuddy said continuing to read. "No, I have a hospital to run." She said walking away from the computer.

"Don't you want to find out what happens?" House asked, "Good, I didn't want to read that one anyway."

**Next Time: The Lost Foreman Fics

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**_Thats right, I'm writing a Foreman fic. _


	6. The Lost Foreman Fics

**The Lost Foreman Fics**

It had been some time before House got back to reading fanfiction. However he soon began to run into a mess of, well let's face it, total crap. So that's when he decided to take the ultimate plunge; he was going to write his own story.

Now he pondered, and tossed random ideas inside his mind, but nothing was coming. Everything had been done before. That's when he saw Foreman walk by, and he got the ultimate idea.

"Foreman!" He said as he began to type rapidly on the keyboard.

Foreman back tracked into House's office, "I heard my name, and I know it can't be a good thing."

"Don't you have somewhere to be, like covering for your crew or something?" House asked still typing.

"Please don't tell me you're writing this fiction crap about me?"

"You know," House began, "If we were a ship, we'd be Horeman."

"Uh," Foreman said.

"But that's no good. If your homies found out you were with me, you might lose your street cred. Now if you were with Chase, you'd be Choreman. Chore for short, as Chase in my story would say, it's a chore to do you."

"Could you not write about me and Chase together? A, it would never happen, and B, it would never happen!" Foreman said with emphasis.

"Fine, Chase is too pretty for you anyway. I'll write about your childhood." House said. "And your life as a criminal, working your way up from stealing old ladies handbags to stealing your boss's vicodin for profit."

"That never happened." Foreman stated.

"And that's the beauty of fanfiction, unless I post it in a chain email for all your colleges to see. But that would be bad."

"House!" Foreman said worried, "Write about somebody else."

"But there are no stories about you. What if I write about you and Cameron getting together after a nasty incident, and she is the only one willing to take care of you?"

"No!"

"But you'd guys be Camman. It rhymes."

"Stop it House. Besides we have a case." Foreman said walking out the door.

"Fine, I wouldn't have the time to write a story anyway."

**Next Time: The Mature Fics**

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_So next chapter will be the last. I did try and write a daughter chapter, but I really didn't like how I wrote it. And just FYI, the next chapter will be mature in a teen friendly way. :)_


	7. The Mature Fics

_Absurdly Long An: Okay sorry for the long wait, life got in the way. But here it is, the final chapter! I don't tend to read Mature fics, so my parody might be off. And I, hopefully anyway, left any "mature details" discreet, so the rating is still the same. I'll just let your mind wander where it will, haha. And a huge thank you to all who reviewed and put this in their alert and favorite list. It really means a lot. I have another idea I'm working on (yes its another parody), so be on the look out for that. Anyway again thank you and enjoy!_

**The Mature Fics**

It had been days before House logged on to the fanfiction site, as he hoped there would be some new story lines available to him. But as it turned out, many of the story lines appeared to just get recycled and reused by different writers.

"Well this sucks." House said aloud. He then began to play with the menus and realized there was something he had missed. "M?"

He clicked the option and saw countless stories before him, all he had never seen before.

"You mean to say there are a ton of stories that I haven't even read!"

"What is Chases tongue delicately doing to my leg?" House read with his eyes wide. "And I'm doing what with my cane!"

Quickly House hit the back button and tried another story. But this one was even more detailed then before.

"Wilson sauntered to Houses bedside where he began to…" Houses voice trailed off and he quickly began to scan the story with his eyes, "What. The. Hell?"

And as it turned out there were many slash stories under this M section. Just then Chase walked in with an armful of case files they were suppose to be working on.

"Chase what does M stand for?" House asked scrolling through the list.

"Well, M can stand for a lot of things, uh, Mom for example. And Mediocre, or Medicine, which is what we're suppose to be doing."

"No you idiot! I mean as a rating."

"Mature?" Chase suggested.

"Well that makes sense." House said stupidly. After all, everything he had read so far was a bit on the adult side...

"House," said Wilson walking in, "Would you mind telling me why there was an orangepeel in my, why are you staring at me like that?"

House said nothing and continued to blink and stare at Wilson. More then anything he wished he could just scratch out his eyes, or forget what he had just read. But after just reading about Wilson and hissuperb knot tying skills, well it was making it a bit more difficult to look at him.

"Why are you staring at me," he asked again, "The last time you were staring at me like that you saw me and, oh God that's not on the web is it!"

"It's fanfiction." Chase whispered.

"Oh." Wilson sighed smiling, "Well if that's all."

House shook his head and began to read another story summary involving him, Cuddy and a baby. _"Baby!" _

"_House, I want you to be the father of my child." _House read to himself, _"She was wearing…" _

"House are you okay?" Chase asked.

"Yeah, I think I just read what would have been a terrible way to go." House said. _"Babies always ruin everything."_ He thought.

"A death?" Chase asked, "Did Foreman die, I mean he is so underused anyway no one would notice."

"No, a terrible way to go on living. Anyway, OT3? What could that be?"

"O, T, 3?" Wilson said.

"Well it involves us." House said hesitantly. He had a rather bad feeling about where this was about to go…

"Let's read it." Chase said naively.

The three gathered around the computer and began to read the interesting situation they found themselves in.

"Why would Chase tenderly rub your infarction scar that way?" Wilson read.

"Wilson's doing what with his foot!" House said.

"How do you think we'd be able to pull that one off?" Chase said reading the description of their position.

Then there was one moment where they all visibly winced. Each pushed themselves back from the computer desk and tried to process what they just read.

"You know, I think there is a noticeable difference between reading that, that stuff and watching it." House said.

"We never read that." Wilson stated.

"What?" Chase said, "Oh right, never read it."

"Hey what's going on?" Cameron said walking in with Foreman right behind her.

"Nothing." They all said at the same time.

"Don't you guys have tests to run or theories for me to shoot down?" House asked. Immediately everyone, but Wilson left the room.

"Well Chase seemed to move pretty fast huh?" Wilson said.

House ignored Wilson and walked over to the computer and closed the fanfiction window.

"So have we learned anything from this?" Wilson asked.

"That fanfiction is complete and total crap and those writers always have it wrong? No, I always knew it."

"Well I'm glad to see that your ego is still intact. Even after the shy side of you began to,"

"It never happened!" House exclaimed, "We didn't read it! I thought we established this?"

"Sorry House, you're right."

**The End **


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